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seasons of my youth

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Why do I always settle? A part of me knows that I deserve the best for myself, and that I could do better but it seems like some deep subconscious part of my mind doesn’t want me to believe it. I don’t like to let things..or people go. I have drawers filled with tons of meaningless little nothings..old scrap papers, photos, and Archie comic books. Random things that I can’t seem to part with.. I’m like that with people too. Even if I know it’s the end, or I’m sick to my stomach of them.. I continue to hold on tight hoping it won’t be.

Maybe it’s just that I hate the feeling of being unwanted, so I don’t let them go because I don’t want to face that feeling? I don’t know. I need to learn that people are seasons. They come into your life, teach you the lessons you need to be taught, you have your experiences with them, and then they must go and someone new will come along. I just fear that gap of time waiting until someone else new comes. I hate being alone I guess.

I don’t know why. I just like having someone to lean on I suppose. It’s strange really because I consider myself an extremely strong and independant person. I’ve been through many things and am a very strong person, I can handle about anything.

That’s why it perplexes me so much that I am so weak when it comes to relationships. I never wanted to be that girl that NEEDS someone. I don’t want to be that girl. I need to learn how to be content in loneliness. 

But I love him, I do. He is not the one. I am not his one. We both need to accept that.

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